Paco
Professional Dancer/Model

Does anyone know how it really feels? It’s not a quick judgment of an emotion. It is more like a long wondrous series of questions. Who? What? Where? How? Why? Have I blamed myself? Yeah maybe, but in reality I don’t know why.

How do you blame or accuse a gorilla for stealing a banana when the word “stealing” isn’t in its vocabulary? We can’t educate the Gorilla and then accuse him of committing a crime.

I grew up in a third world country where rules and vocabularies are completely different than the ones in the United States. We aren’t talking about subtle differences.  Sometimes the words needed to describe things don’t exist at all.

Until I was ten years old, the rules I understood were those of discipline.  From here it would be a full-on child abuse. Running around on foot was normal and a necessity.  In the United States, public transportation is accessible.  This wasn’t the case where I grew up.

So when used as an object for sex, there weren’t any vocabulary or any rules. This happened several times in private and secrecy. How do you accuse seven family gorillas of stealing when the word “stealing” isn’t in their vocabulary?

There may not have been rules, but I do believe when these family gorillas were stealing, they knew…

Does it carry in who I am today? Of course it does, in every aspect of my life. Is it something I think about? Not anymore because it is just part of who I am. Coming to the United States made it more confusing and difficult because I began to understand the rules and vocabularies.

Have I made myself an object for sex to get a better understanding of who I am?  Have I become so submissive that I feel my appearance is the only way to be accepted, wanted, or used by society? I have let myself be used in the form of a sexual object by friends, family, businesses and everyone else around.

What am I wearing? Who for? Myself! Why did I pick this outfit? So you can look at me as a sexual object!