Yeshe
Professional Belly Dancer

I don’t usually think too much of it. Most mornings/afternoons when I get up, I look in the mirror and pass some sort of judgment about my appearance, and move on to see if my husband is ready to get up or not. Lately, the self-judgment is fair-to-positive. My face is decent-looking and my body has a very roundy shape—which I am often told is attractive (sometimes I agree sometimes I do not); and, my hair has a mind of its own. All of this takes about 5-10 seconds to do, and for a long time, I had not thought of the fact that this is the beginning of my daily ritual of self-objectification.

As a belly dancer, I am very aware of my appearance. I want to be sure that I effectively represent the style of belly dance that I do, but I also want to make sure that the dance moves will look good on my body. I want the audience to enjoy sway, the turn, the shimmy, the undulation, the roll of every movement. I want my entire body—from the top of the feathers that may be in my hair, to the tip of my polished toes—to exude my message. I want the audience to know from seeing me move that this dance is ancient; that this dance is powerful and deep; that this dance comes from birthing and fertility rituals. I want the audience to feel that there is grace and power in sensuality; that they are invited to come with me on this journey; but also that they can’t just possess me. That there is something bigger than humanity that moves through us all, bringing us together and pushing us apart. In order to for me to feel as though I am succeeding in portraying all of this, I need to feel beautiful enough to magnetize and mesmerize the audience. I don’t always feel that way.

As a practitioner of Tibetan Buddhism, I have examined my mind from many different angles. I am still learning how tricky my mind can be. Part of the purpose for meditating is to learn to quell the burning urge to judge. Having had a particularly strong habit of judging my appearance, this is the area where I most strongly apply my beliefs, so that my self-judgment can be eased. When I first began to study Buddhism, I seriously considered becoming a Buddhist nun, renouncing the outer world altogether.  So, when I do prepare for a show, and I look at every detail of my outer appearance that I possibly can, and I examine my hair, face, body shape, costume and movements I then have a practice of setting an intention to give something deeper when others see me. Basically, I intend for everyone who sees me to have an experience that nudges them into a new way of thinking about, or seeing the world around them. It seems lately I’ve slipped out of the regularity of this practice. Right now, I’m very grateful for the reminder.

I have done many shows, and have been filmed and photographed many times in costume. After communicating with the photographer about the project, I immediately thought of getting costumed-up in my performance attire. [And, in hindsight, it may have been an act of self-protection, to wear the security blanket of my adornments, as it helps me to feel more liberated and powerful to be decorated.]  I felt very positive and enthusiastic about the entire experience, not nervous at all. It was more a journey of inner-to-outer focus and back.  I was going inward to surpass the superficial; to reach beyond my ego, so that I could pull out and offer something more valuable.  And then I was focusing outward to check-in with the camera and to check-in with my outer self, to see if I am moving in a way that will be interesting for a still shot, as opposed to a moving film. And checking-in with my performer-self to see if I am alternating movements enough to draw the audience in—to magnetize and mesmerize.  Funny thing is, the photographer caught me in the in-between just about every time, I think.

This experience caused me to question, how I can be more proficient in offering my audience something more stirring, something more touching, or something more mind-opening. I don’t think the answer is in the outer appearance, I think it is in the energetic and spiritual intention.